Saturday, 22 July 2017

re learning / un learning

errr if I'm honest, I don't think I've ever really thought much about where I would be in my late twenties. having a life plan has always seemed pretty absurd to me. maybe because the few times, I have made plans, they've never really worked out. I don't know. I've been through a lot in life, and if I've learnt anything, it's that the future is a mirage, in a desert with no name and to live in it, is to live in a dream. It's to sell reality short and to cease to live at all. I mean I get it, I get that I'm privileged enough to be able to live in the present, and I'm very grateful for that. For time, and space. For a sense of knowing, that some how and some way, I'll continue to find ways to make a living, or enough of a living to sustain a very very simple life. a life of meaning, and maybe some sense of beauty and purpose (if I'm lucky). so it goes, I'm relearning the art of living freely, of finding beauty wherever I can and to keep going, against all odds.

between relearning and unlearning, i'm trying to find myself again, trying to find my way. because up until this year things changed.

i began to worry.

society has a way of really fucking us up.... in a big way. often by dictating to us how our lives should be. the last few years I felt myself internalize a lot of shit, 'untruths' that bared no relevance to my life and my way of thinking, untruths that made me quite discontent and maybe even a bit unwell. By my age, AGE (what even is that? some newfangled modern day concept designed to make people feel panicky about a natural organic process that all living beings undergo) AGE. How OLD are you? By YOUR AGE, I was told I should have my shit together. I should have a stable career, strong faith, an unyielding sense of self, a husband, a home. I should, by no means, still be wandering around London aimlessly, taking photographs, writing poetry - as I have been doing my whole life. No it was time to grow up. To 'get real.' GET REAL. They told me. I told myself. I kept telling myself. Until I decided that their definition of real wasn't the same as mine. It wasn't even in the same ballpark as mine.

weird... in a world which profits and functions through propagating all things unreal-  all things superficial and insubstantial. Paper thin and shrouded in unreality- love, communication, beauty, faith. I needed to get real. real..... Nah.

Thank God. I'm learning to unlearn all the toxic things I was taught. Thank God I learnt to not listen. To shun the voices and do what I want. I've come very close in the past to agreeing to things out of fear and worry. Out of some abstract need to do what is 'right' and 'normal.' But THANK GOD, I learned to do and not to do what I felt was right for me. I turned down good jobs. I felt guilty. I turned down marriage proposals from good guys. I felt guilty. You're getting OLD. they said. You might not get another chance. I'd roll my eyes. Meh, so what, life goes on.....

 It's funny, since I began to let go, since I stopped caring, the universe once again seems wide open. I've met so many interesting people by chance. I've been offered so many opportunities. Doors I didn't even know existed have been swung open reminding me of how BIG life is. How big and strange and wonderful life is. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. YES. Society is often inflexible and small and half hollow. But life. Life isn't.

Stay away from anyone or anything who turns your skies grey. Who tells you you can't. Who tells you what is. Keep going down your own path. It may not afford you riches, but perhaps, it will forever afford you some vague sense of peace..... Or at least a life you chose out of courage and love and not out of fear.
x

A COUPLE OF LIFE AFFIRMING MOVIES TO WATCH WHEN YOU'RE FEELING DOWN AND OUT: https://letterboxd.com/saira/list/life-affirming-films/

AND SOME MORE: https://letterboxd.com/saira/films/

AND A JONI MITCHEL SONG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIYu4EHq0Lo